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Thanks for nothing [Jun. 19th, 2009|01:21 pm]
Back in 2004 I landed a contracting gig at CitiBank in Dublin. The pay was good and the office was close to the city centre. On my first day of work I couldn't get the code to compile on my workstation. A hapless but amiable colleague tried to give me a hand, which only made things worse, for after he abandoned the task my web server was all busted. The solution, it turned out, was to liberally sprinkle the magic command "ON ERROR GOTO NEXT" (i.e. ignore all errors) throughout the code. Apparently compiling the code base was a bad idea as large swathes were nothing more than the tattered vestiges left by long vanished contractors, genetic junk code if you will.

I picked my way carefully through this jungle, whereupon I found a subtle but serious bug. "Look," I said jovially to the responsible programmer, "I found a bug in your code." He regarded me gravely and replied "Fuck off and get out of my face." I was speechless for a while, I returned to my desk, typed up and printed off a resignation letter. The boss demanded justification. I gave none. "Well, thanks, I guess," he replied, and then added "for nothing."

That weekend I went to Amsterdam and smoked a big joint and felt much better.
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Progress has been made. [May. 30th, 2009|11:44 am]
So, the computer game. This is a progress update. After 5 months of intermittent labour, I have created a very basic prototype. Assuming an average life span of 75 years, I thus have 47 years left to finish the project. The first version can be "played" here: www.adeletraduction.net/patrick/paris/Paris_v2.html

I did also write a synopsis :

William, a struggling but dignified English artist, has always dreamed of one day living in Paris, the capital of art, fashion and romance.
Finally, that day has come, and you, the player, must help William brave the métro, the bad service, the dog shit, the clouds of cigarette smoke and the icy women, in order to gain access to the wonderful world of pastries, designer shoes, oh, and the occasional art exhibition naturally!
Sidestep the French administration, rent a studio in Montmartre, find the best bakery in town and the cheapest bar... these are some of the many challenges you will face in the role of William, all the while learning the basics of the French language, grammar and pronunciation.
Who knows, maybe it could end in a love affair with a Parisienne?


I have been pinching graphics off the internet without crediting the original artists, how terribly unethical of me. In the goodness of time, I will find a graphic designer to create original in-game art. Programming in ActionScript is simple enough, especially for 2D graphics, although the developer community isn't great and there is far too much obsolete or contradictory flotsam on the internets. Sometimes I get blocked for days on simple things like trying to get a box to bounce out from the centre of the screen in all four directions. I do like using a browser-based cross-platform environment that just works. On the dev tools side, Flash CS3 just crashes on start-up and I haven't taken the time to investigate why, so annoying.

Why am I doing this? I want to finish learning French, so I've set myself a grand challenge. I'd like to help others who want to learn a bit of French and enjoy themselves at the same time, because for me it was just spitting blood the whole way. It would also be nice to earn a bit of money from the game once I put it online, perhaps even to enable me to quit my day job and do art full time. (Yes, computer games are art; that said I really would like to do something more arty.)
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Flash CS4 classes in Flex Builder 3 [May. 12th, 2009|02:51 pm]
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When developing in ActionScript using Flex Builder 3 on a Mac, to gain access to the Flash CS 4 classes in the fl.* namespace (such as fl.transitions.Tween) you must open the project properties window, choose ActionScript Build Path, then select the Library Path tab, click on the Add SWC... and finally choose /Applications/Adobe Flash CS4/Common/Configuration/ActionScript 3.0/libs/flash.swc

That took me half an hour to figure out. It would be nice if there were a few real programmers writing on the various Flash forums.
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Flash / ActionScript intro [Apr. 29th, 2009|05:03 pm]
Adobe has two different products for Flash development : Flex Builder 3 and Flash CS4. It would seem to me that CS4 is oriented towards graphic designers and animators and Flex is oriented towards programmers. CS4 kept crashing on my iBook G4 whereas Flex seems to work just fine, so I'm using Flex.

To get started, click File > New ActionScript Project. Give the project a name, and a new ActionScript file will be added with the same name as the project.

The ActionScript language has a close resemblance to JavaScript. One difference is the type system. Declare a variable as follows :

public var someVariableName:int = 0;

Functions are objects, so this code is valid :

var moreClickListener:Function = function(evt:MouseEvent):void { onMoreClick.apply(this); };

Note that the function declaration is in lowercase and the variable type has a capital "F". Also note that the function return type must be declared even if void.

To draw a rectangle, stick this in the class and add a call to DrawRoundRect in the constructor.

public function DrawRoundRect(x:int, y:int, width:int, height:int) {

graphics.beginFill(0x5ED4F7);
graphics.lineStyle(5, 0xCEFFB8);
graphics.drawRoundRect(x, y, width, height, 10, 10);
graphics.endFill();

}

In Flash parlance, the stage is the screen. Sprites are placeholder objects that can be added to the stage. You can draw onto sprites or directly onto the stage. Drawing only needs to be done once. The advantage of using sprites is that they can subsequently be moved around and made invisible. To create a new sprite object :

var mySprite:Sprite = new Sprite();
mySprite.graphics.drawsomething...();
addChild(mySprite);


Stick this code into the main class constructor to stop Flash from resizing your background images :

this.stage.scaleMode = StageScaleMode.NO_SCALE;
this.stage.align = StageAlign.TOP_LEFT;

Here is a handy function to load and draw an image from a url at the specified coordinates and then call a function once done. Add the image to the /src folder and then specify the image name for the url, ex: DrawImage("myimage.jpg", 0, 0, function():void { trace("done"); });

public function DrawImage(url:String, x:int, y:int, onComplete:Function):void {
var loader:Loader = new Loader();
loader.contentLoaderInfo.addEventListener(IOErrorEvent.IO_ERROR,
function(event:IOErrorEvent):void {
trace("Unable to load image : " + url);
});
loader.contentLoaderInfo.addEventListener(Event.COMPLETE,
function(event:Event):void {
var image:BitmapData = new BitmapData(loader.width, loader.height, false);
image.draw(loader);
var m:Matrix = new Matrix();
m.createBox(1, 1, 0, x, y);
graphics.beginBitmapFill(image, m, false, false);
graphics.drawRect(x, y, loader.width, loader.height);
graphics.endFill();
if (onComplete != null) onComplete.apply(this);
});
loader.load(new URLRequest(url));
}

Some handy shortcuts

Apple+S to save
Apple+B to build
Apple+Shift+F11 to start without debug
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My English student [Apr. 26th, 2009|02:39 pm]
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The pearly white village ran down the stony outcrop and dipped a toe into the crisp azure sea.
I was seated upon a wooden bench, reading a newspaper.
I saw her first as she rounded the bend up the hill, pedalling gently. The age and character of her battered bicycle drew contrast against her bountiful youth.
She was smiling, and she shared her happiness freely with all who looked upon her.
I saw her wave to the café owner, as he laid his broom aside and wiped his brow she gleamed at him, and his gruff old face broke into a charmed grin.
She was wearing a soft summer dress that floated in the air and inched ever higher as her soft thighs rose and fell. As she approached I caught a sliver of a glimpse of her lace panties, before looking away in a vain attempt to protect her modesty.
And as she rolled to a halt and gaily alighted before coming to complete stop, she planted a wet kiss upon my cheek and said "Hello, how are you?" in her foreign accent.
My English student had arrived. She was only 15 years old, and I was about to embark on yet another hour of anguish and irrepressible desire.
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The workshop is activated [Apr. 26th, 2009|02:21 pm]
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I'm working on a computer game. I'm developing it in Flash/ActionScript. I don't know if this is the best language choice. What I do know is that I'm not too worried about frames per second, 3-D graphics, textures, lighting and whatnot. What I really want is a simple lightweight environment where I can do basic graphics and then release my game online. Flash seems to fit the bill. I was fooling around with scarygirl today, a pretty platform game developed in Flash. Blog post from the developers here, it took them nearly two years to make the game.


Scarygirl, in its essence was only planned to be a 9 month project (sorry Sophie), but I think, in our excitement of making a "proper game", not what people generally see a flash game to be, we overshot the timeline a little. We tried to give the game a depth which most Flash games don't have, as it seems most flash games are focussed on being small, fun snippets of a game. We wanted to produce a full experince.
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carte escapades [Oct. 6th, 2008|10:06 pm]
So before I had the carte 12-25, and I could regularly nip off to visit my girlfriend in Rennes for only 50€ return thanks to the 50% discount. But then I turned 26 (according to the incorrect date on my passport), and so I no longer qualified. I bought the carte escapades for 80€, which offers reductions under the condition buy a return ticket, spending at least one night at a destination more than 100kms distant. Marseille and Montpellier don't qualify, so this is really only useful if I were to go to Nice or Paris.

Now it so happens that I went to Nice for my sister's wedding, but lo, would you believe that the dates on the tickets were incorrect. And because those dates were in the past and I had used a reduction card, I couldn't be reimbursed, so I had to buy a new set of tickets. Later I discovered that I had been double fucked as the return dates on the new set of tickets were wrong as well. This time the date was in the future, so I thought at the very least I could change this one. But no. See, I had thrown away the used ticket and kept just the return, and now I needed to present both tickets to change the return. It's enough to make you rip your hair out.

Now, none of this would have been a problem if I had just bought normal train tickets, those are always changeable. The catch is the reduction card, which so far has cost me very dear indeed, nearly 200€. Dammit.
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Screwing up my song titles [Jul. 16th, 2008|08:17 pm]
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I updated to the latest version of iTunes a couple of days ago (7.7.43) and since then any song title containing accented characters becomes screwed up, eg : "Télépopmusic" becomes "TÈlÈpopmusik". This is so very annoying. Apple, please make it stop.

Update (29 august 2008) :
I was prompted to download the latest update, the version is now 7.7.1 (11), and it is no longer screwing up my song titles. Alas, I shall have to manually correct the mangled titles.
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La vie de Siddhârta [Jul. 14th, 2008|02:25 pm]
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Today I saw "La vie de Siddhârta", a puppet show with a difference. The puppets were silhouettes projected upon scenes of Cambodian landscapes in water-colours. The story was a classical tale of a young prince who finds the path to Buddhist enlightenment. This was a fantastically beautiful piece, colourful and enchanting. The puppeteers exercised superb control, transmitting a broad range of emotion into every scene. I would definitely recommend this to all!
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Movin' Marvin Brown [Jul. 11th, 2008|10:07 pm]
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Last night we saw "Movin' Marvin Brown" at La Luna, a tap-dancing, rock & roll concert. I must say, I was frustrated by the theatre seats as I would have preferred to watch this show in a cabaret with a dance floor. Marvin was a good showman, and the crowd seemed to have a pretty good time. I found the musicians a bit lacklustre, and the Italian woman translating American jokes into French was a complete disaster.
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4 Secrets [Jul. 10th, 2008|09:41 am]
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The Avignon Theatre Festival has started, and last night I saw "4 Secrets" at the Théâtre Notre Dame. Julien Labigne, a smartly dressed clairvoyant, invites members of the audience to join him on stage. Somehow he manages to guess what people are thinking simply by watching them, or by asking them to repeat a word. His various acts are cleverly woven together through the telling of the story of a myserious British family from the 1920's. Also featuring Nixon, Roswell, Ben Johnson.

I really liked this show, although I felt that Mr Labigne would do well to polish his showmanship a bit.
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Avignon -> Beach [Jun. 13th, 2008|11:43 am]
Avignon is 80kms from the Mediterranean Sea, which is just not quite close enough for my liking. I'm going to try and update this page with information about getting from Avignon to the sea without a car (i.e. on public transport).

Sunday, we are going to try and go to Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer.

Here is the itinerary:

Gare Avignon Centre – Arles (train)
Arles – Saintes-Maries (bus)


Agrandir le plan

The timetable for the train can be found on this page (middle right, section "Fiche horaire", select 08 - Marseille-Arles-Tarascon-Avignon).

The timetable for the bus can be found on this page (ligne 20 : Les Saintes Marie de la Mer / Arles)

Update
Return fare train+bus : ~30€
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Art. Cows. [Jun. 10th, 2008|10:41 am]
I went to Montpellier on Friday night with Marie and Tristan to see an art exhibition.

The first thing I saw when I walked into the gallery was a cow's ass hanging out of the wall. You know how some hunters like to go out into the woods, shoot a wild elk, stuff the poor animal's head and subsequently hang it above the fireplace? Well here was the same thing, just in reverse.



There was the udder, the hind legs, tail, ass, basically half a cow. What kind of despise-worthy, self-indulgent douchebag would mount a cow's ass on the wall and call it art?

Next up was a light aeroplane, a Cessna I believe, that had been cut into little pieces, eaten, and then glued back together.

And then there was a black curtain. I pulled it back and stepped into the room behind. There was a film playing, the quality of the image was rough and grainy, a woman was depicted removing her clothing and then injecting water into her ass which she subsequently squirted into a cup.

This, my friends, is what passes for art.

I would also like to draw attention to the fact that the exhibition was financed by the good people of Montpellier. Oh yes, this was a state-funded exhibition. Because you know the state must help develop art and culture.
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(no subject) [Jun. 10th, 2008|10:21 am]
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Last night my train was 20 minutes late. No reason given.

This morning my train was cancelled. The SNCF train drivers are striking because they are unhappy regarding the proposed changes to the freight division. Once again I had to cycle the 10 kms to work.
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Today in happy public transport news [Jun. 5th, 2008|10:22 am]
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Goddammit, my train was cancelled again this morning. And what was the reason given : "Pb exploitation". That's not terribly precise.

So I pedalled the 10 kms to work and arrived late and sweaty.

The TGV is generally pretty reliable, but the TER is hopeless. At least once a month they cancel the trains, so from now on I'm going to keep track here.
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RSI [Nov. 2nd, 2007|10:49 am]
A couple of months ago I started to feel pain in my wrist. Naturally, I ignored it in the hope that the pain would go away. But it didn't of course, in fact it got worse, and started to climb up my arm, to my shoulder and then across my back and neck. I went to the doctor, and he prescribed me a dose of anti-inflammitories, which did very little to alleviate the problem.

I did a bit of googling and I was amazed by the number of people who have written about similar problems.

I decided to change my keyboard and mouse.

The the mouse I bought (a trackball really), is a Kensington Expert Mouse (approx 80€).



It is comfortable to use, and my arm stays in place. I have no problem targeting small click areas. I've also forced myself to start learning keyboard shortcuts for things so I no longer have to move backwards and forwards continually.

The keyboard I bought is a Microsoft Natural 4000 (approx 45€).



I find a split keyboard is great; my arms are in a much more natural position. My wrists are perfectly straight, unlike before when I had them bent.

I also decided to raise the height of my monitor so that the top is now level with my eyes.

I wish to also change my chair, although this will cost a quite lot more money (approx 800€). When I was working in Paris every workstation had a HermanMiller Aeron chair. At first I found the chair a little uncomfortable, but I soon became accustomed it. As I write this I am sitting in a shitty vintage 50€ chair. I could of course try and convince my employer to pay for a new chair, but I would rather have my own asset.


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japan, bicycles, what [Aug. 15th, 2007|02:06 pm]
Japanese Government-Sponsored Bicycle Extortionists
A few days later, I'm back at Chiba-San's vegetable stand and he asks me if I found my bike. I tell him I did. I also tell them that they wanted two thousand, five hundred yen for the bike, so I didn't pay. Chiba says I shouldn't have spoken Japanese to those old guys.

"You mean if I acted like I couldn't speak Japanese, they would have let me have my bike back for cheaper?" I ask him.

"No. But at least that way, you could have given them a hard time." He takes a drag on his cigarette and laughs at his own dry jokes. I like this Chiba guy's sense of humor.
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more story telling... [Aug. 4th, 2007|02:49 pm]
The boat


Down the meadow, across the lane, there was once was a boat, an old derelict barge, stranded in the middle of a field, with rusted portholes, foliage growing from every crevice, and inhabited by a family of gypsies.
Now, in the way I mention this fact you would think that I was already acquainted with this veritable wreck long ago, however nothing could be further from the truth. I have always been a city man, and although I enjoy riding through the grounds in the immediate vicinity of my manor, the thought of venturing further afield fills me with a rather queasy nausea. No, I much prefer the safe comforts of my books, my pipe, and perhaps a glass or two of whiskey.
The manner in which I did finally become embroiled in the foul matter of this boat was of no initiative of my own. Indeed I would have much rather never known about it at all, but it seems our dear lord God who on occasion seems to have such a devilish keen sense of humour, rather thrust this problem upon me.
It was in the year of 18--, the great flood of Norwich, which if you ask any white-bearded fellow down in the Turk's Head on Canterbury Way, was the most awful flood in a series of disastrous deluges, when the rising water levels caused the aforementioned boat to be plucked from it's cosy moorings, with the entire family cowering inside I should mention, and dragged it downhill a good two and a quarter miles, that is to say, right into the middle of my ornamental garden.
I was well asleep in my bed the next morning, having managed to sleep soundly though what could only be described as a near hurricane by the quavering staff, but had not even caused me to stir thanks no doubt in no small part to the fantastic tales of Dickens' which do so stir the dreams, and perhaps also due to the three (or was it four?) glasses of Scotland's finest that had I indulged in the night before. At that very moment, my mother-in-law, bless her soul, thank God she is passed from this plane, and please God let she not haunt me in the next, broke in to my chamber with a startled cry. "Gypsies," she wailed, "there are Gypsies camping in our gardens."
"My gardens," I murmured, trying desperately to remain a grip upon my fascinating child-like dream of running across rooftops chasing villains (oh but if I could return to London once more!) and then added "send the gamekeeper out with a rifle to chase them off."
"We have already tried that you oaf, do think me a complete fool, they will not budge!"
"And neither will you," I thought grimly to myself, without giving voice to the words in my head.

There was nothing else for it, I had to go outside and confront them. I spent ages in front of my wardrobe trying to decide which outfit would create the best impression on this wild and wily people, known throughout the land for their cunning banditry and bewitching spells. Eventually I decided that doublet, chain, knee high boots and perhaps, yes, yes definitely, a fine hat would create the needed impression of the gallant gentlemen going out to face the invaders.
Unfortunately it did no go entirely according to plan. The first problem was one of their infant spawn, who ambushed me as I picked my way across what was left of my once beautiful hedge maze, now half washed away by the cruel flood. Can you believe that he had the insolence to lance clods of mud at me, lord of the manor, from behind a screen of foliage, giggling in his shrill voice like the savage creature he evidently was. The second problem was one of communication, for although the head of the gypsy family, a man of short stature and surly all-envopling bodily hair, ostensibly spoke the English of our fair land, I could understand not a single word. I had to finally resort to the assistance of the gamekeeper, being more familiar than myself with the many different creatures inhabiting these lands, wild animals and civilised humans and everything in between alike.
"He says that he would move if he could my lord," translated the gamekeeper, "but unfortunately the boat is stuck fast and he has no means of moving it."
I'm not one for confrontation, and I had rather been hoping the that problem would somehow miraculously take care of itself, as is often the case thankfully enough in my life. No such easy chemin was granted to me upon this occasion however.
"Now listen here," I spoke, trying to use the assertive voice that we had been taught in speech and grammar courses all those years ago in blessed London, while the vile creature before me, lounging rudely while casually rolling a cigarette. "this just will not do. You will have to move you boat," I finished.
"No dice," replied the unwashed man, "it can't a be doing, jingoes let boat ther' yonder is stuck faster than..." followed by a string of explicatives and filthy vile sexual statements that I am unable to repeat to this day, and which turned my face a shade of pink I will tell you. He then threatened to have the dogs set on us, for in addition to the extended family living in the boat there appeared to be a pack of mongrel dogs, nearly as savage as their owners. He shortly made good on his threat; I ran headlong from the savage beasts, while the gamekeeper tried desperately to use his special whistle to bring them to heel. Snapping and snarling at my ankles they were, all the way back to the mansion, peals of laughter from the gypsies accompanying my undignified rout.

There was nothing else to be done about it. I decided that I would just have to leave them to it and hope that the problem would go away on it's own. Besides which, there were myriad other tasks to attend to, the flood having washed away part of the stables (and some of the horse to boot), my gorgeous floral gardens wrecked, the basements and cellars still up to the knee in water, causing who knows what havoc to my collection of Bordeaux. (Although thankfully the finest bottles were safely locked away in my private liquor cabinet in my drawing room.)
It wouldn't have been too difficult either, if the gypsies had had the good decency to just stay in their boat, but ho no, they had to roam across my lands, even stealing into the larder at night to steal cheese and bread. Couldn't they even have the sense to cut a slice with a knife, did they have to gnaw at the hams like rats, leaving little teeth marks everywhere. It was almost too much to bear.
Now, in all honesty, I have perhaps been a little hard on the travelling folk, for I must admit that they did do me one gracious service for which I shall forever be truly thankful. One night as I was returning by late carriage from the metropolis, I was set upon by highwaymen not more than a few hundred yards from the entrance of my own estate. Bloodthirsty they were, slit the very throat of Jefferson, my favourite driver, such a great loss. They dragged me from the carriage and I feared for my very life, when who would you believe arrived upon the scene and drove them off with nothing but a hewn branch? It was the gypsy man, his eyes blazing in the light of the full moon. The robbers fled from his savage cries of wild days long forgotten by the rest of the human race. He saved my life, and even had the good decency to drive me home. From that time on I instructed the staff, much to their chagrin I must point out, to deliver fresh cheese, eggs, milk, bread, and wine to the gypsies every night. (This was an act of gratitude in principle, but the security of the larder had proved impossible to enforce and I was rather tiring of the teeth marks everywhere.)

As luck would have it, and indeed as I mentioned earlier on, luck often favours the procrastinators amongst us, another grave flood struck a few weeks later and carried the gypsies and their boat a bit further down hill, whence-forth I happily washed my hands of the nasty business and tucked into to another tome of Dickens with a hearty supply of single malt.
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the sky is falling [Jul. 24th, 2007|04:16 pm]
Astronauts chuck fridge off space station
...
Both pieces of space jetsam will be tracked from Earth, allowing warnings to be given should their re-entry threaten anyone. The camera mount is expected to burn up completely, but pieces of the EAS as large as 39lb might make it down to strike the surface when it de-orbits in a year or so's time. NASA thinks the meteoric fridge-frag volley will land in the ocean, but says there is a 1 in 5000 chance that people could be injured or killed.

New Year's flying fridges warning
South African police will crack down hard on anybody throwing old fridges from high-rise buildings during the New Year's holiday, they say.
...
"We have given out thousands of pamphlets pleading with people not to throw objects, including things like refrigerators, from their balconies, as well as asking people not to fire celebratory shots in the air," said Inspector Naidoo.
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Paris - practical stuff [Jul. 10th, 2007|12:17 am]
I thought I'd throw together a few points about Paris, practical stuff about actually living and working in the city for an extended period - this may be handy for anyone planning to come to Paris in the near future.

Apartment

Everyone says that finding an apartment in Paris is a nightmare. Because there is so much protection for tenants, agencies are loath to let anyone in without reams of paperwork showing job contracts, salaries, bank statements, previous landlord recommendations, etc. I managed to sidestep that by taking a one month contract and then meeting the landlord directly and making a good impression. Try www.seloger.com as a starting point. Average price in Paris at the moment is €25/sqm (max €30) so that works out to about €500 - €600 for 20sqm. 20sqm is tiny, but possible. I grew up in a house with a garden and I'm going crazy in 25sqm, your mileage may vary. Everyone in Paris lives in a matchbox except for the super-rich so be prepared for the squeeze. I suppose one could consider living outside Paris in one of the cheaper suburbs, but it's not all the much cheaper unless you don't mind living in squalor, and also you're missing out on a lot of fun in my opinion.

Work

I'm a programmer, my French isn't that great, and I managed to find a job in a couple of days without too much stress. The salary is not as good as what I was earning in Dublin, and there are a *lot* of deductions before tax, about 30% of the gross - this is health care, pension, retirement, unemployment, etc, all compulsory.

French Language

I have done all my courses at the Alliance Française. It is a bit pricey, but the instruction is exceptionally good, I feel that I progressed very quickly there. I also met some cool people in my class. The Mairie also offers some cheaper courses apparently, although not during the summer. I haven't tried it, but I'm told it's pretty good as well, and perhaps an effective alternative if the Alliance is too expensive.

Exercise

One of the most practical ways to get exercise is to go swimming. There are pools all over the place, just take a look at the Mairie web site for the addresses. They are not too expensive, around €2.40 for a single session, with the option to pay a membership which then allows unlimited free entry. The one I have been going to is always clean, not to many people - I go at lunch time.

There are a number of public gymnasiums, although these seem to be aimed at children and teenagers, not really adults - I may be wrong here. Of course there are some private gyms as well, but these are very expensive.

Parks

There are a couple of nice parks in Paris. Easily my favourite is the Butte Chaumant, in the 19th. Artificial hills, massive old trees, it feels quite natural. It's a good place to go jogging.

For sheer class, nothing beats the Jardin de Luxembourg, I love watching the boys playing with boats in the central pond, old men playing chess and others playing tennis in the courts. On a sunny winter day it's nice to soak up the rays, wrapped in a warm coat, relaxing in one of the many lazy chairs. The architecture of the chateau is nice too.

I'm not such a fan of the Tuileries, too artificial for my tastes.

Getting around

There are couple of different options. The Metro is pretty efficient, open until 1am every night (2am on Saturdays), with stops all over the city. Trains run every 2 minutes during peak hours, dropping down to every 7 minutes late at night. The map can be confusing, as there are 14 lines that wiggle all over the place. Try to avoid changing at Chatlet Les Halles, the station is a cavernous maze with some unsavory types hanging about; Saint-Lazare is also a perplexing labyrinth. The Metro is not the most pleasant way to travel however, it is often crowded, hot, dirty and noisy. The crowd is generally young to middle aged people, and everyone is in a hurry.

There is also an extensive bus network. The little map is very difficult to read, it helps if you ask for a (free) big map at the desk inside one of the Metro stations. The buses generally run until 8pm, although some run until midnight. Half the lines do not run on Sundays, and even those that do often only serve a portion of the route - Sunday is not a good day for the bus. They generally run every 10 to 15 minutes depending on the line and time of day - often there is a little electronic display showing the number of minutes until the next one, otherwise you will have to consult the (generally) accurate timetable. They stop very frequently, and can sometimes get stuck in traffic, so it's a much slower way to travel than the metro. You should really get on in the front and then move to the back, although I've had no problems jumping on at the back. If you have to buy a ticket make sure you brace yourself well as the bus driver will drive off while you are trying to fish around for change in your pocket. The crowd is generally older people or mom's with kids - it's a more practical way for them to travel as it does not require climbing up and down stairs.

In addition there is a night bus - the so called Noctilien. It is always very crowded, with a limited network and a reduced frequency, every 15 minutes I think. Prepared to be accosted by nasty drunk people. Probably not a good idea for single women. It's more comfortable to take a taxi, although this can be a battle as a lot of people are trying to do the same thing at 3am. Average rate for a taxi ride home is €10-€15.

Speaking of costs, the "Carte Orange" costs €53 for a month, any metro and bus inside Paris for a month. It's pretty good value I think.

It is possible to cycle in Paris as there is a reasonably extensive network of bicycle paths. The bicycle paths are not very well designed however, are not swept frequently enough, and sometimes end suddenly at large intersections leaving you to traverse at your own risk. Very few cyclists wear helmets, although I think it would be a good idea considering the scooters, buses, trucks and cars flying around. It is generally easy to find a place to lock a bicycle, either a special bike parking, or a piece of street furniture. It's probably a good idea to lock both front and back wheels and the frame to a fixed object, I have seen a lot of wheels and seats stolen off otherwise locked bicycles. The bicycle paths are not respected by the scooters and there seems to be no policing in this regard. I have seen police stop cyclists going through red lights, so be careful about that. I bought my bicycle for about €400 new, and I'm pretty happy with it. There is a new system of free bicycles being installed everywhere called "velib" which everyone is excited about; the tarif system looks pretty complicated, I think they got a guy from a mobile phone company to design it. Anyway I haven't tried it yet because it is not finished although it should be in the next month or two.

Probably the most efficient way to get around Paris is on a scooter, as they accelerate very quickly, can be parked anywhere (including the pavement) and surely are not that expensive to fuel. I say probably because I've never actually tried, but I know some people who own scooters and they say it is "top". It would probably be possible to buy a second hand one in good nick and sell it for the same sum at the end of the year. Personally I find them quite disagreeable - noisy, smoky, and a terror for pedestrians and cyclists alike, but they are very popular and maybe worth considering. I haven't tried driving either, but apparently it is not that fun; always stuck in traffic and never able to find a parking.

Let's not forget the RER & Transilien which serve the suburbs, and the fantastically fast (and fantastically expensive) TGV high speed trains which serve most other major destinations in France - departures every hour or so from the major train stations.

Administrative Stuff

I got my bank account with La Poste (the post office); they were the only people to help me. The other private banks wouldn't touch me with a pair of tongs. I could have walked in with a sack of gold and I still think they would have told me to piss off. Best of luck with that.

Apparently one does not have to pay tax for the first year in France, although this is not a credit, just a deferral. They have not heard of income tax in France, the only country in the first world who has not. So you have to open a savings account and put the money aside yourself. Good luck trying to find out the exact amount from the tax office, it is a very complicated mathematical system. They'll tell you when they want the money and you better just have it when they do. Mad, simply insane.

Doctor's visits cost about €20 and pharmaceuticals are not too expensive (avg €10 - €15). This is reclaimable if you are in the social security system, although I'm still waiting for my card after a couple of months, so good luck there as well. I've been lucky enough to not need to go to hospital, but apparently the hospital system is one of the best in the world.

Food

There are three ways to buy food in Paris, the supermarkets (Monoprix, Champion, Ed and others), the epicieries (dotted all over Paris, generally open late, prices inflated, quality highly variable) and the farmer's markets. I prefer the farmer's markets, but you have to be organised as they are only open at certain times on certain days (see the mairie website for details). Take a backpack and around €20-€30 for a few days' food. After a while it is possible to learn what is good value and what is not, but I know that I did get ripped off a lot at the beginning - c'est la vie. It is also possible to get to know the regular vendors and get some good quality produce. You need to know what you want to make in advance or be very creative as there are no ready meals in the market - just raw produce. It's probably not the best idea for a person living alone as you will spend more time cooking.

Going out

If you want to dance, don't go to bar. No one dances in bars. Parisians just sit around drinking wine, smoking cigarettes and waxing lyrically. If you want to dance you got to pay to get into a nightclub, average €20. I think nightclubs in Paris are shit. You might have a different experience, hell if you do let me know I'd be interested to know.

There are a couple of nice bars in Montmartre, such as Le Rendezvous des Amis (rue Gabrielle), and Le Zebre de Montmartre (rue des Abbesses) which I quite like - I go there to chill out with friends.

If you're looking for a bit of culture, there are a great variety of theatres, I've seen a couple of good shows. There are also two fantastic opera houses, and of course all the great treasure-trove museums such as the Louvre and the Musee d'Orsay. There are many art galleries around town, with a high concentration in Saint-Germain. And then of course there are cinemas all over the place presenting a delicate serving of French films and staple Hollywood stuff dubbed into French (occasionally in English, look for "VO" stands for Version Original").

As for eating out, I've only found a couple of good restaurants within my budget. To eat well in Paris is to be rich. But never forget that to starve to death is still an art form.

Staying in

I listen to the France Musique radio station. Classical, jazz, world music, good stuff. Never had a TV, so I can't comment on that. I rented a lot of films from the Cinebank, a kind of ATM where you stick you bank card in and choose a film using a touchscreen. Personally I prefer to browse inside a store, but I haven't found a good one nearby. There are many libraries around town when you can loan books, CDs and DVDs (details on the website of the Mairie).

Paris - mon amour, mon enfer.
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